Taking the "Five Knuckle Shuffle" to new levels of kink and pleasure

It's not often that I get to review anything designed purely for penis owners. So when The Handy got in touch with Joanne asking if we would review their masturbator for them, I was obviously over the moon when she agreed.

I put my hand up to enjoying masturbators; there is nothing wrong with the five knuckle shuffle, but getting to slide into something tight and wet is up there on another level of enjoyment.

"Its smooth action and its ability to be controlled by someone else or synced to videos mean this is a sex toy that won't end up gathering dust in your bedside drawer. Orgasms with it feel incredible, and I love fitting it and letting it do all the work - the perfect lazy wank."

Stunt Cock

All too often, though, masturbators don't live up to the marketing hype, and I hoped that this wouldn't be the case with the Handy.

So I waited with bated breath for it to arrive, and then Joanne (the tease) wouldn't let me use it until she had taken the pics for the review. In her own words, "I need to do some pics first because you're going to make it sticky" LOL.

So now that I have most definitely "had the pleasure" of getting to know The Handy let me tell you all about this fantastic new masturbator that is going to dominate the market.

This is your chance to own a fucking machine for your own hardcore pleasure

I can't believe how happy I am to be able to host this fantastic competition for the lovely people over at sexmachines.co.uk

They are the biggest supplier of all things sex and fucking machines in Europe and I have been on the receiving end of lots of their machines in the past, and they are brilliant.

This competition is going to make somebody a very happy bunny. Not only are they offering up a Willy Wanka Fucking Machine, yes you read that right a bonafide, bang your doors in fucking machine, (check out my review of the Willy Wanka here), they are also offering up a Hung Systems Easy Squat too. Two fantastic prizes, up for grabs so get your entries in.

That amounts to over £500 of prizes for one lucky person. Both of these fantastic prizes accept vac-u-lock compatible dildos and with literally hundreds of different ones available.

Taking your fucking machine play to the next level using your phone

Last month Hismith got in touch asking if I would be interested in reviewing their new fucking machine controller for them.

I didn't have to think long before replying - "Yes, please". I mean think about it, a controller with remote functionality, Bluetooth and an app to enable control over the internet. It sounded perfect.

"I loved exploring the fucking routines that others had created, and some of them are one hell of a good ride. I also enjoyed creating my own to edge sub'r' and keep her begging to be allowed to cum hard."

Joanne

So I got my Hismith Premium Fucking Machine ready and waited for the new control box to arrive. I didn't have to wait long. Amazon fulfilled the order, and I was soon in possession of a brown Amazon package. I have spent the last couple of weeks thoroughly enjoying getting to know the new control box (any excuse for a good machine rodgering).

Generally, I dislike app-controlled sex toys, often finding them a little finicky or gimmicky but read on to find out what I thought of this controller.

I think I have found my new favourite fucking machine

When HiSmith got in touch to tell me that they were sending one of their premium fucking machines to review, you can understand me grinning like a Cheshire Cat for a while.

I have seen their machines in action at various trade shows and was keen to see how one of their top machines would perform.

"I have enjoyed this fucking machine both anally and vaginally, and it's totally capable of pleasuring you in either orifice. Fucking machines just don't tire, they will go on and on leaving you to tap out when you eventually can't take it any more."

Joanne

HiSmith is getting some great feedback about the performance of their machines, and I could hardly contain my excitement when the doorbell rang when this one arrived.

So, this review is going to be reasonably long, but this machine deserves a thorough assessment, and so do you, so here we go.

An adaptor kit with vagina and penis owners in mind

Hismith has been rocking the boat in the world of fucking machines. They have come up with some very lovely designs with great features and fantastic performance.

So, in December, when I received a package from them containing not just a fucking machine but also two attachment kits, you can understand my excitement.

"This is another fantastic attachment set, a lot of thought has gone into the selection of the adaptors. With it, you can pretty much mount anything to your machine."

Joanne

I have already reviewed the Pro Traveler KlicLok Sex Machine and the Attachment Kit For Females. It's now time to share my opinion of the Expansion Set For Men & Women, or penis and vagina owners.

So, let me tell you what you get with this expansion set and why it is good value for money.

A fantastic adaptor kit with vagina owners in mind

In December I was sent a HiSmith Pro Traveler KlicLok Sex Machine to review and along with it I received two adaptor sets (this one and the Lovers kit).

This is a review of the Expansion Set For Women.

"This is a great little attachment set that has had a lot of thought put into it. Each of the five attachments is useful, it isn't a case of a couple and others thrown in to bulk the set out."

Joanne

It is an expansion kit that contains lots of extra attachments so that you can mount some of your favourite sex toys on the business end of your fucking machine.

So let me tell you all about what you get in this expansion kit and what it will allow you to do.

This pint sized fucking machine delivered some fantastic orgasms

As a lover of sex and fucking machines, I do like to keep myself abreast of developments in the market place where both are concerned. HiSmith is a dutch based company that I have long had my eyes upon. They are creating some fantastic looking fucking machines that are receiving excellent comments and feedback.

I have met them a couple of times at trade shows, where I was blown away by their range of machines. I was therefore delighted when they got in touch to ask if I would give their latest fucking machine a thorough reviewing.

"It spent five days at Eurodisney helping sub'r' to get over hard days of walking and enjoying herself. I can attest that it is perfect for anyone considering taking a fucking machine on holiday."

Joanne

Well, as you can imagine, I jumped at the chance, this is a fucking machine designed with travelling in mind. As luck would have it, I was about to send my Stunt Cock to EuroDisney with sub'r' for her birthday. So, it was the perfect opportunity to put this "traveler" to the test. No doubt they are both going straight to hell for using a fucking machine at Mickey Mouseland but live life to the full I say.

After taking this fucking machine on a real holiday and having used it myself upon their return, it is time to write up my thoughts about it. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts on the HiSmith Pro Traveler KlicLok Sex Machine.

Ride the Cowgirl for some intense orgasms

Now it is no secret that I am addicted to sex machines. I love them for their sheer power, stamina and ability to deliver incredibly hard orgasms time and time again.

I have reviewed the Sybian, Motorbunny and Tremor but so far the Cowgirl had eluded me. That is until I got a very kind offer from Nat who used to blog over on coolerthanaglassdildo.com. She has now retired from reviewing and was moving house.

"I had to be helped off it as my legs were like jelly and the sight of the Cowgirl covered in squirt and pussy juice was something else."

Joanne

Downsizing is always a hard thing to do. She had no space for her Cowgirl so she asked me if I wanted it and I was blown away by her generous offer - Thank you, Nat.

So with the fourth and last piece to the ride-on sex machine puzzle in my hands, it was time to get to know it and see how it performed. So read on to see what I think of it.

The Rock & Roll wild child of sex machines

I honestly think that I am the luckiest sex toy reviewer in the world as I have been given the opportunity to review another fantastic sex machine, the Tremor.

I jumped at the chance when asked if I would be interested in reviewing the Tremor and have spent quite some time getting to know it. I have used it in my living room, my bedroom and I even hired a dungeon to introduce it to sub'r' (now that was one hell of a fun day).

"It amazes me when I close my eyes and listen to the almost primaeval noises emanating from me when I ride it. It is a fantastic beast, almost primal in nature and it can stalk your orgasm before chasing it down and utterly blowing you away."

Joanne

The Tremor is a ride on vibrating sex machine pretty similar in design to the Sybian and Motorbunny (check out my reviews of those two machines too). Both of those machines offer fantastic performance and so I have enjoyed seeing if the Tremor matches them in terms of their ability to rip an orgasm out of you.

I am now ready to put fingertips to keyboard to let you know my thoughts of this addition to the ride on sex machine marketplace.

I am really excited after using the Tremor

I am so excited to be able to review the Tremor Sex Machine. This is a ride on vibrator in the style of the legendary Sybian and Motorbunny.

It has some fantastic features, and it blows both the Sybian and the Motorbunny out of the water, retailing at $849. That is an impressive price point for a machine of this calibre and capability.

Lighter. Safer. More Powerful!

Half the Price!

Slide and glide your way to an orgasm with this Monkey Rocker style sex machine

As anyone who reads my blog regularly knows, I have a thing for fucking machines in all of their forms. One thing I have been longing to try is a monkey rocker style ride on Fucking Machine.

So when Dave from sexmachines.co.uk got in touch asking if I would be interested in reviewing one you can imagine that it didn't take me long to reply with a resounding yes, please.

"Having got used to controlling the Love Rider, I have had some very lovely orgasms riding it. It is one of those sex machines that is also very good for putting on a show. As you ride it anyone in the room with you gets an excellent display of the dildo sliding in and out of you."

Joanne

This style of sex machine is entirely human-powered, you use your weight and legs muscles to glide back and forth, and a mechanical linkage turns that linear motion into the thrusting action of the dildo.

Sound like a lot of fun, doesn't it? Read on to find out how I got on with it.

Another machine that proves the adage that you get what you pay for

Having recently reviewed the S1 Cheap Sex Machine Bundle for sexmachines.co.uk I was excited to see another machine arrive in the post.

This time it was one of the Machine Gun style fucking machines, the S2. I have heard lots of things about this type of device, unfortunately, none of it has been good.

"I did think the sticker on the side of the machine was almost as funny as the instructions, apparently, it's a Happiness Browser."

Joanne

I often get e-mails from people who own one asking if they are doing something wrong when setting it up, so it was nice to finally get my hands on one of them to see it for myself.

Unfortunately, this is going to be a review that may sound a little whiney as it was challenging to find any positives about this machine. So with a weary heart, it is on with the review.

A sub £50 fucking machine sounds too good to be true

I do enjoy my fucking machines and have quite a bit of experience with them now. I always relish the opportunity to try new ones out as that gives me an excellent opportunity to compare their features and performance with others that I have enjoyed.

Fucking machine reviews are so much fun to write, as usually, you can pretty much guarantee a good time while getting to know them (in the name of science of course).

That is, they are usually fun to write, this review is a little different as you will see. The problem with writing reviews is that sooner or later something is going to land on your lap (or between your legs in this case) that really stretches your ability to give it a fair evaluation.

The S1 Cheap Sex Machine is one such product, so settle back with a cup of coffee and a biscuit and let me tell you why I will not be recommending this particular cheap sex machine.

It's nice to see these fucking machines in the UK with sexmachines.co.uk

It isn't very often that I get asked to review two (yes you read that right) fucking machines at the same time. So you can imagine my excitement when Dave from Sexmachines.co.uk asked me to give him my opinion of the Probe and Probe Beast from Orgasm Alley in the USA.

These are two machines that I have often lusted over and have heard a lot about, and so it was fantastic to be given the opportunity to be able to get my hands on them.

"The Probe Beast has a fantastic motor that I couldn't stall no matter how hard I tried. This is the perfect machine for hard anal fucking although you may have to lock the legs down to something as Newton's third law states that thusting a massive dildo into a tight hole can make a fucking machine walk."

Joanne

As always I didn't have to wait long for the courier to arrive with the two machines from sexmachines.co.uk as their service is exceptionally quick.

I could hardly contain my excitements when I started to unbox them, so read on to find out how these two machines compare against each other and my other machines as well.

Another fun fucking machine from the sexmachines.co.uk range

I do have the best job in the world I think, especially when Dave from sexmachines.co.uk gets in touch with me asking if I would be interested in reviewing another fucking machine for them.

This time they want me to review the Yubo F1. I had seen some of the other Yubo machines on their site, and they seem ideal for anyone new to fucking machines due to their simplicity.

"Fucking machines never tire, they never complain, and you can trust them not to wipe their cock on your pillow after fucking you (don't ask LOL)."

Joanne

Of course, I agreed to review it for them as you know how much I enjoy my sex machine action. Fucking Machines are just so versatile, and it's always nice to try something new.

I went into this review with no expectations and having reviewed a lot of sex machines I looked forward to seeing how this one would compare with what I have reviewed in the past. So read on to find out where the Yubo F1 starts on my fucking machine starting grid.

A machine that both surprised me and gave me a fantastic rodgering

I love my fucking machines and have used so many now that I am a bit of a connoisseur and I like to be pleasantly surprised by a machine's performance as that is definitely better than being underwhelmed.

Many years ago I tried a fucking machine called the Maestro, and it didn't really flick my switch having been spoilt by other better machines at the time.

"I love the way that fucking machines just never tire and they never give up. Believe me, you will be first to tap out when you can't take any more orgasms not the machine."

Joanne

I was delighted when Sexmachines.co.uk got in touch asking me if I would be interested in reviewing one of their new Blue Balls XL Version 2.0 fucking machines and I jumped at the chance to review it. Its design is very similar to the old Maestro, and I wanted to see if this one lives up to the hype about it as I have heard nothing but praise about the Blue Balls.

Sexmachines.co.uk have one of the most extensive selections of sex and fucking machines in the world, and they stock some of the best around. I really looked forward to seeing how this one performed, so read on to see what I think of it.

All hail Caesar. No, not the salad dressing, the Fucking Machine

This is a fucking machine that I have had my eyes on for a long time. It is now in its third design iteration, and improvements are continually being made to the design to improve its performance.

I was delighted when the lovely people over at sexmachine.co.uk got in touch asking if I would like to review one for them. As you can imagine, I almost fell off my chair in my haste to reply with a huge "Yes please".

"Once the dildo was inside me, I could just relax and enjoy the rhythmic fucking that I received, and on its highest setting, it ripped an orgasm out of me in quick order."

Joanne

This is the fourth machine that I have reviewed for them, you can see the others here. It was sent to me for free in exchange for a fair and honest evaluation of its performance and this will not affect the outcome of this review.

One of my primary interests in this machine is its unique leg arrangements which are unlike anything I have reviewed before. So read on to see what I think of this machines performance.

Machine delivered corporal punishment

I learned something new recently; spanking machines are a thing! I was delighted when the good people over at sexmachines.co.uk got in touch asking if I would be interested in reviewing one of them.

The chance to review another sex machine was too good to miss and as I do enjoy a good spanking, and so does submissive 'r' I jumped at the chance.

"I have been on the receiving end of it a couple of times now, but it is submissive 'r' who has really tested this out under the steadying hand of my Stunt Cock."

Joanne

I was then left viewing the assembly video on the sexmachines.co.uk website to understand how it all goes together so that I didn't waste any time when it arrived.

I didn't have to wait long as sexmachines.co.uk are always very quick with their deliveries.

A fucking machine that was so much fun to get to know - intimately.

With a myriad of fucking machines on the market, it is always hard to work out what is good or merely a waste of money. I love reviewing sex machines as it means that there is more information out there for customers to make informed decisions before parting with their hard-earned cash.

I was therefore delighted when Sexmachines.co.uk got in touch asking for another impartial review of one of the best selling machines, the uFuc Pro.

"It has a lot of power, even managing to start a double ended dildo slowly when it was fully inserted after I had stopped it on purpose. Some cheap machines don't have the torque to do that, and you go from stop to high speed, but this one is smooth and fantastic. I was genuinely impressed."

Joanne

I jumped at the chance of reviewing another machine for them, and they sent me this one in exchange for a fair and impartial review.

So without letting anything out of the bag read on to find out if this one is a keeper or just a wannabee performer.

The Willie Wanka is a pussy and ass pleaser

As you can tell by the domain name of my site I have a real passion for fucking and sex machines. There is something magical about using one and feeling the raw power and unwavering performance that will outlast even the most ardent rider.

The biggest problem with sex and fucking machines are their cost which was one of the reasons that I set up my site. I wanted to review sexmachines so that people could make informed choices before spending their hard earned money.

"It takes a lot of torque to overcome the resistance of a buried dildo and this machines copes with that in its stride."

Joanne

But the high costs mean that it isn't often that I get to review a new fucking machine, but it's always a huge treat when I do so. I have reviewed some of the most expensive sex machines on the market. However, it is the cheaper machines, the entry ones if you like that interest me as they are affordable options to enter the world of mechanical sex.

I was therefore delighted when the lovely people over at sexmachines.co.uk got in touch asking if I would be interested in reviewing the Willie Wanka mk II fucking machine for them. I jumped at the chance (obviously), and they sent me this machine for free in exchange for a fair and honest review of it. So here are my thoughts on this fun looking machine.

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