Dildo Reviews - Joanne's Sex Machine Reviews

A dildo that has put me on the naughty list

Let me tell you about Christmas morning in the life of this little reviewer. I woke up to a cold Christmas morning expecting not too many presents but boy was I wrong.

With much excitement, I started opening presents. Perfume, my favourite type, nice. New sexy underwear, nicer and then a Blush Novelties D3 Silicone Dildo in stunning colours, OMG it was the best Christmas ever!

Unbeknown to me Patrick from Latex, Leather & Lace had sent me a couple of surprise presents through my partner, and he had kept the secret very well indeed so I had no idea I was in for some kinky Xmas fun. Thank you, Patrick, for putting a massive smile on my face. It really did make my day.

"The Avant D3 is a has the perfect level of 'squish' when squeezed. It feels nice and soft, but it is still rigid enough so that it doesn't droop much when held by the suction cup."

Joanne

I have reviewed three other Blush Novelties creations, and they were fantastic. I just love their colours and designs as well of their performance of course. I have to admit to having had my eye on a D3 for a while now, so I was delighted to be in a position to review one.

You will do doubt not be surprised to know that I did use it on Christmas day. No doubt Santa was shaking his head while mumbling something along the lines of "That didn't take her very long" as he added my name to this years 'Naughty List'.

Bounce your way to orgasm after orgasm

While visiting Erofame 2018 my Stunt Cock and sub'r' came across an interesting stand from Lust & Joy. It featured their Loopy Bounce which immediately got the attention of sub'r'.

Consider it a high tech space hopper with a dildo, and you won't be far off the mark. But it isn't just a space hopper, a lot of thought has gone into the design. As you can imagine, sub'r' offered her services if they wanted one reviewing.

"Once or twice I nearly fell over, and that brought on a fit of the giggles before I carried on. That is the thing about the Loopy Bounce, it is a sex toy, but it is so much fun to use. I am not talking sexual pleasure per se, it is actually fun bouncing up and down on it. The good fucking it provides is an added bonus."

Joanne

Fast forward a month and a half, and a package arrived from Switzerland containing one of the Lust and Joy Loopy Bounce TrioPacks. You can imagine the excitement as we opened the box. It isn't often that we get to review something fresh, exciting and entirely different from anything that we have tackled before.

So let me introduce you to the most fun that you can have on an inflatable. Read on to find out how we got on with this inflatable human powered fucking machine.

A porcelain dildo worthy of display with your finest china

I was absolutely delighted when the lovely people over at LUVOQA got in touch to ask me if I would be interested in reviewing a porcelain dildo, the Dalia from Désirables for them.

I was intrigued and jumped at the chance to review one of these beautiful creations. I mean who wouldn't want a dildo that is also a thing of beauty?

"As a dildo the Dalia is fantastic, add a small amount of lube and enjoy the sensations as you slide it into you. I like to warm mine up in a bowl of warm water, and that feels incredible."

Joanne

I didn't have to wait long for it to be delivered to me and to say that it took my breath away would be an understatement. It looks amazing.

But, how would this dildo preform? I have reviewed an enormous range of dildos, and it was going to be fun to see how a porcelain one would compare to my preferred material silicone. So it was knickers off, and I threw myself into the reviewing process with glee.

The Real Nude Sumo Dildo from Blush Novelties tickled my fancy

I love it when a dildo really flicks my switch and becomes my new bestie. The Blush Novelties Real Nude Sumo is one such dildo, it can do really nice things to me in a very naughty way.

This colourful dildo was sent to me by the lovely folks over at latex, leather & Lace. If you get the chance to drop by their walk-in store you should do so as they are so nice.

"I love using this dildo by hand but strapping it to one of my fucking machines brings it to life. The high speeds coupled with the hands-free nature of fucking machine fun has me clawing the sheets in no time at all"

Joanne

This review has been a delightful one to 'research' and write. The Sumo has really opened my eyes to the range available from Blush Novelties and stocked by Latex, Leather & Lace.

So, read on to find out why I highly rate this dildo and why it works so well for my anatomy.

Time for some alien impregnation fun and games

Picture my delight when I was asked by Sexmachines.co.uk to review a Mr Hankey's dildo for them. I adore Mr Hankey's dildos and have reviewed four of them so far, and this one will be the fifth.

Sexmachines.co.uk has a fantastic range of dildos, and they have recently added the Mr Hankey range of dildos to their repertoire, and that is so exciting.

"I must admit though that when I finished the dildo was in a right state. All that texture certainly picks up lots of vag-goo and so when you clean it you need to pay lots of attention to the textures on it to clean them properly."

Joanne

Mr Hankey is renowned for his incredible dildo designs that all feature fantastic detail as well as being larger than your average dildos. Indeed his dildo range is a size queens dream come true.

I couldn't wait to put the Alien Dildo to the test. So with all sorts of alien impregnation fantasies spinning in my head, I had so much fun getting to know it so read on to find out if this Alien will be a box office smash hit or nothing more than a cult B movie prop.

A dildo with lots of texture and a fantastic suction cup

Anyone familiar with my blog will know that I am a gal who loves her Quimsticking fun and games and dildos are one of my favourite style of sex toys. I love the fact that a dildo is a gender-neutral sex toy as we all have holes that can be pleasured with one.

You can imagine how excited I was when Wolf from Meo.de asked if I wanted to review the Taylor Silicone Dildo for him for free in exchange for a fair and honest review. I jumped at the chance, who would turn down such an offer?

"The upwards curving shaft concentrates all of the delicious sensations generated by the well-formed glans onto my g-spot and thrusting it back and forth over this area has me very wet and has made me squirt."

Joanne

I bided my time waiting for it to arrive and familiarised myself with the product page on meo.de and I loved the fact that it has a suction cup base. To me, that means one thing - fucking machine fun.

So, how did I get on with the Taylor Dildo, is it one for my bedside drawer or one for the dildo suitcase (yes I have too many dildos)?

This a a fantastic dildo for pussy and ass play

Meo is a German sex toy retailer, and they are one of my favourites, I can spend hours looking through their incredible selection of kinky sex toys.

I was delighted when they asked if I would be interested in reviewing their Little Johnny Prostate Stimulator and I jumped at the chance of course. So they sent me one for free in exchange for a fair and honest review.

"There is something amazing about solid metal dildos. I love the way you can feel the chill of cold steel as you insert it but that soon changes as it warms up to body temperature. I am always amazed at just how warm a steel dildo can get in use, when I remove it after a good pussy fucking I love how warm it feels in my hand."

Joanne

I love steel dildos, and while I don't have a prostate, I was definitely looking forward to enjoying this hunk of metal, and I am pretty sure you can guess where I planned on putting it.

So is this a steel dildo that really hits the spot or is it a miss for this one. Read on to find out.

Get yourself on top of the Eiffel Tower for an amazing time

I do have a bit of a reputation for enjoying shall we just say "larger dildos", yes I am a size queen and love a good challenge.

I am quite proud of the ability of my Foof to tackle anything that I have so far thrown at it and so when Meo.de asked if I wanted to review their Eiffel Tower dildo you can guess what I said.

"It has a very bulbous head which you have to tackle first when inserting it. Once you get that inside you, then you can really enjoy the unique texture covering it. I love the rivest and rings down its length, they give just enough texture to feel amazing without being too much."

Joanne

This is a beast of a dildo, and I was fascinated not just by the size but the texture of it as it looked so much fun. So with my Foof's enthusiastic approval, I agreed to once again to put myself to the test - in the name of reviewing science.

Now, this is definitely not a beginners dildo but for the lover of that feeling of being totally stretched it is oh so good. So, here are my thoughts on the Eiffel Tower dildo.

Don't just taste the rainbow, ride it with this silicone sensation

I love my dildos, but I have a soft spot (no pun intended) for brightly coloured or unusual designs, and I was blown away when I saw the Pride Edition Silicone Rainbow Dildo on the Bondara website, and I had to buy myself one.

As it's also Pride Month timing was great, and I eagerly awaited my opportunity to review this stunning-looking dildo.

"I had a fantastic time with this dildo, and I love the fact that it doesn't have a straight flat shaft. The fact that it is wider near the glans end of the dildo means that when thrusting with it, your vagina or anus is continuously being stretched and then relaxed again and this feels incredible."

Joanne

I love rainbow dildos and enjoyed reviewing the Luxury Rainbow Rabbit Vibrator and a Unicorn Dildo which is in pastel colours.

I have had a great time reviewing this bright and colourful dildo so let me tell you in detail why I have enjoyed it so much.

A dildo from the Gods, the Hercules as its name suggests is power encarnate

There aren't that many dildo artisans in the UK, but Godemiche is one of them. Run by Adam and Monika they produce a fantastic range of dildos and butt plugs in body-safe silicone.

I have been fortunate in the past to have reviewed the Adam Silicone Dildo and The Peg Anal Dildo for Godemiche, the Peg is also a fantastic beginners butt plug by the way.

"A feature I love about this dildo is the fact that it is uncircumcised. This is the first dildo that I have owned that has an apparent foreskin, it's half withdrawn, and this makes the head fascinating to look at."

Joanne

I was delighted then when Ian from fmachinefun.co.uk asked if I would be interested in reviewing a Hercules for Godemiche. A version of the Hercules with a Vac-u-lock hole in flesh is now in stock at FmachineFun, and Ian thought it would be nice to hear my thoughts on it.

So as you can imagine, I was delighted to be able to review this behemoth of a dildo, and I was even more surprised when I got to see its fantastic colours when it arrived. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on the Hercules Dildo.