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My thoughts and musings about life as a sex toy reviewer

I hope that you enjoy this insight into my life and what I do. I love reviewing adult products and I will use this blog to keep everyone aware of what is coming up for review soon and also to pass on any thoughts or issues that I have. I love feedback so please use the comments sections of these posts to get in touch with me.

You can use the search function on the site if you are looking for something in particular.

My toy bags are at their bursting point and I need to downsize a bit

As a sex toy reviewer, you can understand that I have a vast collection of sex toys that increases in size every month. I am currently faced with a problem, and that is storing all of the toys that I have reviewed.

Since I can't keep using everything as firstly, there aren't enough hours in the day for masturbating that much, and secondly, I'd break my foof. I, therefore, need to downsize my sex toy collection.

So I am left with a dilemma, do I throw perfectly serviceable sex toys out or offer them to a new home for a very reasonable price. No prizes for which option I am going for, and so I have decided to provide the sex toys that I can sterilise and that have non-porous materials like glass, metal and silicone for sale.

All of these toys will be washed and cleaned with an anti-bacterial sex toy cleaner before shipping. Some have their original packaging while others don't. The prices listed include shipping by recorded delivery to addresses in the UK, if you want me to ship abroad then just get in touch for a shipping quote.

I will use the funds generated through the sale of these toys to buy new ones to review and so my blog will benefit from these sales. So on with the current offerings and these are:

Seahorse Dildo From Mr Hankeys Toys

The Seahorse Dildo From Mr Hankeys Toys

This behemoth of a dildo has a Vac-u-lock hole in the base for strap-on harness or fucking machine fun, and it is amazing. It is probably the most textured dildo that I have ever enjoyed, and I will be sad to see it go as it is lovely. It measures in at 25.4cm / 10" long and you can insert 22.4cm / 8.75" of it. Its circumference is a very filling 12cm/ 4.75" at the head, 17.8cm / 7" near its middle and 20.3cm / 8" near the base. Produced by Mr. Hankeys Toys in the USA it retails for $134.90, and you can read my full review of it here - Review Of The Seahorse Dildo From Mr Hankeys Toys

Asking Price: NOW SOLD

Hercules Silicone Vac-u-lock Dildo From Godemiche - Large

Hercules dildo from Godemiche

The Hercules as its name suggests is a dildo to be reconned with. This one is the large, and it is in Effulgence Glitter Blue. It features a huge pair of balls and a Vac-u-lock hole in the base for strap-on fun or for attaching it to a fucking machine. This is a fantastic dildo and measures in at useable length 9"/22.8cm, Head circ. 6"/15.5cm and Shaft base circ. 7"/17.7cm. A very nice blend of silicone makes this a beautiful dildo on the eye. Made by Godemiche in the UK, this one retails at £85, and they don't usually come with the vac-u-lock base, so it is unique. You can read my full review of the Hercules Silicone Dildo From Godemiche.

Asking Price: NOW SOLD

This is an article I wrote for KinkCraft in the past

In general, most people that I have talked to think that sex toy reviewers provide a useful service as let’s face it the number of different options when choosing a sex toy is mind blowing. So it can be very useful to read quality reviews to see both the good and bad points about a product before parting with your hard earned cash.

The two key words in that last paragraph are “quality reviews”. There’s a huge difference between a quality review and something that has been quickly thrown together telling you about a sex toy, often just regurgitating the blurb from the packaging or manufacturers website. That doesn’t do anyone any justice at all and it certainly doesn’t help a potential buyer make an informed choice.

Recently there has been a huge boom in the number of people writing sex toy reviews and some of them are very good but conversely some of them are very bad. This growth in the sector is probably due to the big misconception out there that reviewing sex toys is messing around on the internet and that it must be great to get sex toys for nothing.

This misunderstanding is really quite understandable as from the outside it looks like the perfect job – “You just get free sex toys and just spend all day masturbating”. Whilst his sounds ideal there is a lot more to it than that and a lot of it isn’t glamorous at all and actually a lot of hard work.

Yes, companies do send me products to review for “free” but they are hardly freebies. When I agree to review a product a contract is formed and I am legally bound to provide an informative review within a set timeframe. I am being paid in materials rather than cash for my opinions and writing skills. But it’s still getting sex toys for free I hear you cry.

Yes, it is “free”, but let me show you what writing a quality sex toy review entails.

I start by looking at the materials used in the sex toy to see if anything is not body safe, yes I have had to learn a bit of chemistry. I know what Parabens and Phthalates are, these are two very dodgy chemicals often used in poorer quality products.

I have a small studio set up at home and when a product arrives the first thing I do with it is photograph the toy and its packaging, this process alone can take an hour or two as once the pictures are taken I then optimise them in various pieces of software to ensure they look good.

I then study the toy on the bench noting such things as how the material reacts to lube and dust. I evaluate the instructions provided and learn how to use the toy on the bench. I make notes, lots of notes at this stage, how noisy is it, how strong are the vibrations, are they localised or throughout the toy.

The first time I use the toy I just get myself off it, no notes or anything I just want to enjoy it for what it is. During the process of writing a review I will generally use it at least ten times and each time after the first I will have a notepad and pen next to the bed and I will jot down notes both in use and afterwards whilst my thoughts are fresh in my mind. This is the main reason why my reviews usually take about three to four weeks to write.

During these sessions I am not just masturbating, I am focussing on the sensations, characteristics and various settings, it does take the fun out of it but it has to be done that way. You can’t just use a toy once and write a review on it, there are so many variables that can affect how you perceive its performance from how tired you are to what time of the month it is or if you are stressed. Using it as many times as I do allow me to average all of these things out and to get a good feel for the toy.

Luckily I am usually reviewing more than one product at a time so I can alternate toys otherwise it would soon get very boring indeed. Coffee is very good for the next part of the process, it’s essential in fact.

Next it’s on to actually writing the review, mine tend to go on a bit as I try to get as much into them as I can. Once it’s written it’s then on to selecting and inserting images pertinent to the various sections of the review, these need to be formatted and uploaded onto the websites server. I write my reviews in html so I have full control of the layout of the page that way, that was self-taught.

It’s important in reviews to state both the good and bad points about a toy or product. I know that if I don’t like something, someone else may love it and so a review has to explain why something didn’t work for me so that readers can make an informed view of the product.

Once the review is written, and uploaded onto the server I then start the process of editing the review online, reading it over and over again correcting spelling mistakes and changing it so that it flows more naturally.

I then publish the review and notify the company that provided the product so that they can see it. They have no say in how I write my reviews and so it is only at this point that they actually get to read it as well.

Then it’s on to promoting both the review and the product on social media.

This whole process takes a huge amount of time and if I was to break it down into an hourly rate it would be way, way below the national minimum wage. Yes, I get the product for free and sometimes earn a small commission if someone uses one of my affiliate links to buy a product, but it certainly isn’t a huge amount but it does cover my expenses.

This is my reviewing process
This is my reviewing process and it shows rough timelines

I love writing reviews but unless you are one of the huge superstars of the reviewing scene it certainly isn’t a get rich quick scheme and it isn’t a full time job (for me at least). It is hard work but very rewarding when you get feedback from someone who has read a review and it has helped them make an informed choice.

So, do you think it’s a great way to get sex toys for free?

Have a go yourself

If you fancy trying blogging and sex toy reviewing for yourself then check out my advice articles for sex toy reviewers.

My old stylus and tablet have given up the ghost

I love drawing toons for my articles and reviewsI am trying to save for a new drawing set-up. I want to use a drawing monitor which will greatly help me draw my little doodles and cartoons which I love doing so much.

But, and there is always a but, I have bills to pay and mouths to feed and so saving up for one is a daydream at the moment.

Like everyone I have to prioritise my spending and my bills come first. I came up with an idea for a neat little competition to help me raise funds for the new equipment.

I will do a unique piece of art in my usual style for the winner and send a printed signed copy to them to enjoy and maybe hang on their wall.

If you enjoy my artwork and want a unique one doing for you then please consider helping me save for a drawing monitor like this one:

Drawing monitor

What's in it for me I hear you ask? Well, the first 100 donators will automoatically be entereted into a draw and the winner will receive a piece of art from me, it will be printed out in A4 size and signed by me before sending it to you as a way of my saying thanks for your support.

Go, on buy me a coffee to show your support and get an entry into the competition.

Joanne likes her coffee

Getting good advice is incredibly important

I love reviewing sex toys, and as a female sex toy reviewer, I am very lucky to have my partner, Stunt Cock on hand to help me review penis orientated sex toys. So you can find some reviews here of sex toys that he has tackled but where can you go to read informative, funny and accurate sex toy reviews just for cock owners?

A quick google brings up some good sources, and the Big Gay Review is one of my favourites, they review from a gay perspective, and it is very interesting to read what they have to say on things.

However, today I want to introduce you to another excellent source of sex toy reviews, Mens Toys Hub has a wealth of information about all sorts of different sex toy types. I am going to highlight some of the articles from there that caught my attention and hope you will have your appetite whetted with them so that you will visit and check out the rest of the reviews there.

Guest Post

Joanne's guest postsI am delighted to be able to introduce the fantastic Bianca from helenstoybox.com and the @helenstoybox twitter account. Her article was inspired by a conversation on Twitter between myself and some other bloggers (@PosyChurchgate, @Mollysdailykiss & @RomanticIsa) about videoing our own orgasm contractions to be able to watch this fantastic vision of sexual release afterwards. As Bianca is blind, she thought a post about how she does something similar would be interesting to others, and I agree with her. I was fascinated and hadn't considered recording the sounds of my orgasm, but I am certainly going to do so. Without further ado, here is Bianca's article. Check out her site for her other work.

Forget diamonds being a girls best friend, give me a rabbit vibe any day of the week

No other sex toy type is as widely recognised or accepted as a norm than the humble rabbit vibe. What is it that makes this style of sex toy so popular and why are they so much fun to use?

Well, let me fill you in on a little history, this year is the 20th anniversary of the start of the US television show "Sex, and the City" and it was in 1990 in an episode called "The Turtle and the Hare" that the world was introduced to Vibratex's Rabbit Pearl.

It caused a huge commotion with conservatives horrified to see a sex toy on TV. The publicity and newly formed awareness of this new sex toy caused a massive surge in interest for sex toys and rabbit vibrators in general. And, so the worlds love affair with the rabbit vibe was born.

Rabbit vibrators, unlike standard vibes, can stimulate the clitoris as well as providing penetrative fun, and this is one of the reasons for their continued popularity.

They are so much fun because you can enjoy intense clitoral stimulation while also enjoying the feeling of being full or even stimulated internally.

The rabbit vibe has evolved continually since its humble beginnings with the Rabbit Pearl.

Modern rabbit vibrators feature intelligent programs with patterns of vibration to tease, and the myriad of rabbit vibes now available makes choosing one a bit of an uphill struggle. So here is some information to help you when selecting your perfect rabbit vibrator.

I'm So Looking Forward To Upping My Game

I will be attending Eroticon 2019 - decision made. I almost got there in 2018 until I had a bad fall just prior to it and I ended up in hospital for a week with bad head injuries.

Next year will be different, I will get to Eroticon to meet all of the amazing attendees. It will again take a lot of planning though as for me this will be a huge task, just getting there and getting around are issues due to my disabilities.

I will get to Eroticon 2019

I will probably need to use my wheelchair to get about and that is something that I hate. My disabilities mean that I can't spend a long time on my feet and walking can be a real issue for me and so using my wheelchair will mean I will be experiencing the all too common feeling of in some way being inferior to everyone else. I know that is a daft thing to say but just try sitting in a wheelchair and check out the looks you get when trying to talk to people.

I am determined to go though for a number of reasons and these all revolve around this blog. I'm in awe of so many amazing men and women who put their all online in their sex related blogs for the betterment of all and I hope to meet so many of them there. I also can't wait to be educated in all things sex blogging related and to network like I have never networked before in order to allow me to grow my blog and to hopefully help others enjoy their sex lives.

I also owe several people some consensual hugs

The biggest problem with attending for me as with most other bloggers will be the cost. When I factor in just the costs of the tickets, then accomodation, transportation and the cost of socialising it will mean that attending will carry a large price tag.

Celebrate this milestone with me by winning some kinky sextoys

I am fast approaching 4,000 followers on Twitter and thought it would be nice to be able to celebrate this milestone achievement with a fantastic giveaway.

Three amazing companies have stepped forward to help me run this giveaway competition. I am delighted to be able to offer three amazing competitions to celebrate this milestone. I would sincerely like to thank Satisfyer.com, BathmateDirect.com and Sexmachines.co.uk

That is an amazing nine prizes up for grabs, I have split them up into three seperate competitions and you are free to enter all of them if you want to, this will increase your chances of winning.

This has enabled me to offer the following incredible prizes, all of which are up for grabs for any of my readers in the UK, EU, USA & Canada.

Sexmachines.co.uk - Win a Magnum Opus hand held thrusting vibrator

This amazing prize has been provided by Sexmachines.co.uk, they are the UK's largest speciality retailer of sex and fucking machines together with all sorts of other great products. I have been very lucky to have been able to review some great machines from them including the Willy Wanka and uFuc Pro fucking machines and an amazing spanking machine.

The Magnum Opus™ by ToyJoy® is a premium thrusting vibrator with an incredible 8-centimeter (3 inch) extension ability. The sleek USB-rechargeable design offers a special ‘harmonica-style’ shaft which, during use, will thrust you into mind-blowing ecstasy.

Sexmachines.co.uk prizes for my 4k twitter followers competition

Magnum Opus hand held thrusting vibrator

BathmateDirect.com - Win a unisex grooming kit or one of four cock rings

The amazing people at Bathmate have pulled out all of the stops and supplied some great products too. Enter this competition for the chance to win a Bathmate Trim Set or one of four amazing cock rings to spice up your play time.

Bathmate are renowned for their amazing range of penis enlargers that actually do work, I have seent eh results myself as my Stunt Cock is still using his Hydromax X30 Wide Boy pump.

Bathmate prizes for my 4k twitter followers competition

Bathmate Giveaway

Satisfyer.com - Win one of three of their latest sex toys

Last but not least by any means is this competition for one of three amazing Satisfyer sex toys. I have reviewed all three and love them so why not grab this chance to try one for yourself.

The good people over at Satisfyer.com have given me a Satisfyer Pro Plus, a Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit and a Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples to give away in this competition, just let me know which one is your preference.

Satisfyer Pro prizes for my 4k twitter followers competition

Satisfyer Giveaway

Good Luck Everyone xx

Competition Rules

This competition will run from 12:00AM 15th April 2018 — 11:59PM 31st May 2018 (London).

This competition is open to the UK, US, Canada, and Europe. If in doubt about your location please contact me and I can let you know where the item can or cannot be shipped.

I am fulfilling this competition and so you will need to respond to my e-mail if you win.

You will be responsible for paying for any customs or excess costs that might occur after shipping.

After the winner is drawn you have 2 weeks to contact me and claim your prize. If you fail to do so then I’ll re-draw another winner. By entering this competition you also agree to provide me with your address, so that I may ship the item to you.

I’m not accepting giveaway accounts for this competition. I will be checking to make sure that any entrants have an account that is made up of more than giveaway retweets. Please respect this, my sponsor companies deserve better and these competitions are for my readers and not competition accounts.

I have just received another fucking machine from sexmachines.co.uk

I am delighted to announce that I will be reviewing the uFUC PRO v.2 Fucking machine for my new sponsor sexmachines.co.uk

It arrived today and I have *cough* already shall we say conducted a little experiment with it. Well I'm snowed in so what is a gal to do with a brand new fucking machine?

I love the feeling of being hammered by a machine, they never tire, the never slow down, they just keep fucking like only a machine can do. The new and improved uFUC PRO v.2 looks like it is going to be a lot of fun to review. So lucky me gets another sex machine to review. Check out my sex machine reviews to see the ones that I have reviewed so far.

Now someone please pass me the lube.....

UPDATE - My review of the uFuc Pro is now live and its a cracking machine.

Eroticon - Come meet and greet me

Joanne Summers Feb 19, 2018

The virtual meet and greet

With Eroticon 2018 just a few weeks away everyone is finalising their plans. I am both nervous and excited to be going and meeting up with so many of the people I idolise.

I am going for the full weekend and should be able to attend the meet and greet on Friday evening. I have met some people going before, but most will be new to me. I will be easy to spot in my wheelchair (I wonder if I should fit bullhorns to the front). I am not wheelchair bound but will need the help of one over the course of the day (it's a long story).

Everyone going is encouraged to post a short virtual meet and greet post, and this is mine. Hopefully, anyone going will be able to glean a little bit of information about me from it long before we meet. If you go to the main Eroticon website, you can view links to everyone else's posts. So without further ado, here we go...

NAME (and Twitter if you have one)

Joanne (I will be accompanied by my StuntCock or Ian as he is also known)

@JoannesReviews

What are you most looking forward to about Eroticon 2018?

Firstly getting through my considerable nerves at meeting so many amazing people.

I want to up my game and hope that the talks and presentations will both inspire me and point me in the right direction.

I am also really, really looking forward to all of the bloggers and companies that I regularly interact with online. It will be so nice to put faces to the names. I will be in a state of constant awe I think.

I will be attending as many of the workshops and talks that I can as long as my body holds out. I will be gleaming as much advice as I can from the other attendees and probably be causing mischief along the way.

We are creating a play list of songs for the Friday Night Meet and Greet. Nominate one song that you would like us to add to the playlist and tell us why you picked that song

Aha - Take On Me, it brings back many happy memories when I was fitter and loving life to the full. I love the video as well.

What’s the first career you dreamed of having as a kid?

I wanted to be a teacher or a vet. I still love kids and animals but had to give up my dream of teaching when my health took a turn for the worst.

Weirdest place you’ve ever gotten up to mischief (define ‘mischief’ however you like…)

Ooooh now, that could reveal a kinky side. I think I would have to admit that the weirdest place I have gotten up to some mischief was in the lift in the Crewe train station in the middle of the night. I had amazing sex over a suitcase trolley LOL.

Tell us two truths and a lie about yourself.

I speak a little German.

I regularly use a laser engraver.

I have four suitcases full of sex toys.

Complete the sentence: I want..

everyone to have an amazing Eroticon weekend.

Check out the rest of the virtual meet and greets on the Eroticon website.

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